By Melinda Burrell
We were in one of those finish-everything-before-the-holidays meetings, pussyfooting about an accusation someone had made. Suddenly a colleague confessed, “My hands are clenched. My shoulders are tense.” He paused. “If I listen to my body, clearly I feel like I’m being attacked.” As he described his feelings, I recognized them in myself. Judging by their faces, so did the others.
In paying attention to our physical reactions, we realized what was going on. The criticism had hit hard, perhaps harder than intended. We shifted to a more direct conversation and came to a resolution.
I think about that moment as friends joke nervously about the holidays. They’re worried about conflict but also longing to reconnect with family.
That connection absolutely can happen – especially if we focus on what we can control. Ourselves.
When we focus on ourselves – our perceptions, our word choices, our thinking – we build our ability to have meaningful conversations across our divides.
First, we can become aware of our physical reactions to words and situations. What sets us off? What shuts us down? Conversely, what makes us feel relaxed? What seems to make us comfortable enough during a conversation to want to explore another person’s thinking? Our bodies often react to situations before our brains do, so they are a rich source of learning about what conditions we need to feel comfortable during a conversation to want to explore another person’s thinking.
We can also become aware of the complexity of our emotions. I know I’ve been displacing anger a lot recently, getting angry at other people because I feel helpless about things like shootings and harsh weather events. I can feel my anger and sorrow “leaking out” and affecting situations inappropriately. Once we understand the sources of our emotions, we’re able to direct them more constructively.
We can also become aware of our words. Do they demonstrate respect or disrespect? Do they open up or close down a meaningful conversation? Not surprisingly, “You’ve got to be kidding!” doesn’t get me far if I’m trying to have a good conversation with my uncle. More helpful is, “I’m curious. Tell me more about why you feel that way.” My uncle opens up, tells stories, and shares what is important to him – much of which I can relate to and which strengthens our connection.
Finally, we can understand our neurobiology. As a survival mechanism, we’re hardwired to focus on the negative more than the positive. This helps us identify threats. But it also interferes with communication, causing us to think the situation is worse than it is.
This “negativity bias” led to psychologist John Gottman’s “Magic Ratio”: to maintain good relationships, five positive interactions are required to outweigh every negative one. For every time I roll my eyes at a comment my uncle makes at dinner, I need to offer five positive signals.
Fortunately, it’s not hard. Small things can show I value our relationship: a smile when he hands me a plate of pie, a shared laugh when our nephew cracks a joke, a compliment about his new blue sweater. I just need to be intentional about sending those positive signals.
So if we’re hoping for connection rather than conflict this holiday season, we can start with ourselves. We can learn to pay attention to our bodies, our emotions, our words, and our thinking. Self-awareness might be the best gift we can give our relationships this holiday season.
Melinda Burrell, PhD, @MelindaCBurrrell, syndicated by PeaceVoice, is a former humanitarian aid worker and now trains on the neuroscience of communication and conflict. She is co-chair of the board of the National Association for Community Mediation, which offers resources for community approaches to difficult issues.
