By Melinda Burrell
September, and “back to school,” is a great time to sharpen skills. When life feels as complicated and fast-changing as it seems right now, it’s particularly good to build our communication skills. Better communication gives us stronger relationships, and stronger relationships help us navigate challenging times.
A few insights from neuroscience are especially helpful.
Humans evolved to survive in groups. Because of that, we worry about how well we’re fitting in with our group. We’re constantly looking for clues about what others think about us.
If someone belittles us, shuts us out, or treats us unfairly, our Spidey sense goes off. We fear it means we’re not part of the group, which is dangerous for our survival. We sense a social threat, and social threats are so urgent for us that they activate the same brain circuits as physical threats.
Management guru David Rock developed the SCARF model to describe these key social situations in which we can either feel socially threatened or rewarded.
Essentially, we’re hardwired to crave five things: Status (being valued by others), Certainty (having information to predict the future), Autonomy (having some control over our lives), Relatedness (feeling connected to others), and Fairness (being treated reasonably).
If we get those five things, we relax. Our defenses come down and we can talk openly and creatively with others. Sounds like a basis for a rich conversation, right?
However, if we don’t get those things, we feel threatened. We tend to shut down and lose our ability to think rationally. A Case Western Reserve University study showed that being rejected immediately lowers people’s IQ by 25% and their reasoning ability by 30%, while also making them more aggressive. Sounds like a basis for a fight.
So how do we build our skills to create positive SCARF conditions in our interactions, and avoid creating negative ones?
First, think about how often you do the following, in both team and family settings. Give yourself a “SCARF score.” Then brainstorm ways you can increase your SCARF score.
Affirm others’ status: Go out of your way to acknowledge other people, especially when they contribute something to a team or family situation. Listen and ask questions that show you’re interested. Don’t publicly give negative feedback or compare people, especially family or team members.
Provide certainty: Share information that helps others to plan, such as expectations or constraints for an event or a family vacation. Explain decisions. Don’t unexpectedly change plans or forget to follow through on promises.
Offer autonomy: Delegate decisions and tasks where you can, so that others share control over joint projects, whether job-related events or family routines. Offer options for people to choose between. Don’t always be the problem-solver, but instead encourage others to resolve issues.
Foster relatedness: Deliberately and regularly create time to be together, including meals (without devices!). Don’t exclude members of your team or family from shared events.
Uphold fairness: Apply rules consistently to everyone and offer everyone a voice in decisions. Don’t be silent when you’ve made a mistake or been unfair.
September temperatures are cooling. Let’s help tempers cool as well! Build your SCARF skills and enjoy richer, more fulfilling conversations and connections. We need each other.
Melinda Burrell, PhD, syndicated by PeaceVoice, trains and speaks on the neuroscience of communication and conflict, and teaches conflict resolution at George Mason University.
