By Tom H. Hastings
Asking
When I see someone at their best in a conflict, I see someone who is first trying to learn more, not trying quash someone else.
Anaysha: I will never agree that abortion is baby-killing!
James: Anaysha, can you please help me understand how a woman who is seven months along and suddenly decides the baby isn’t what she wants has the moral right to destroy the mostly developed new life inside her?
Anaysha: I’m talking about the first trimester! Geez!
James and Anaysha may never precisely agree, but they are possibly on a path to understanding and even not condemning each other. James didn’t immediately label Anaysha or preach at her; he inquired.
Affirm feelings, not conclusions
When I watch someone validate another’s feelings without necessarily agreeing with what the other person is claiming, I’m watching someone manage conflict really well.
Philippe: I can’t vote for Harris. She is in favor of genocide!
Maria: Understood, Philippe. There is nothing more evil than genocide. Can we discuss what might be the smartest strategic thing to do for those of us who vote?
Maria has validated Philippe’s righteous and absolute rejection of genocide, which helps her open the door to a discussion of voting as a possible strategic move by citizens, even if the vote isn’t a perfect affirmation of 100 percent of a candidate’s positions. They now have a chance to help each other develop more nuanced views.
Breathe in real life to deëscalate virtual provocations
If I get an email or a text that sets me off, I am not operating with my best conflict practices if I fire back in a reactive email or text. Instead, I need to take a beat (or a day) and then schedule an in-person coffee break or teatime with the person who revved me up. If, in our Zooming world, it’s someone nowhere near physically, I need to make it as close to in-person as possible, with a private caucus, a one-on-one video chat so we can see and hear each other.
Anticipation
Kyle knows his neighborhood organization meeting is this evening and he knows we are seriously divided on the proposal to bring in a tiny home village in our town’s initiative to reduce homelessness.
For some reason, several people seem to be expecting him to make the case for his side of this question. Other people have apparently seen this and have been using some barbed statements that seem to attack him personally.
He’s overweight and that is just a fact of his life, and some of the comments from the other side have used phrases like, “It’s repulsive to see fat street people making our neighborhood unlivable with their trash and laziness.”
Knowing that this can happen this evening makes Kyle realize that he needs to calm and center himself beforehand. His self-image and his self-talk need a strategy to stay regulated, to rise to a professional level of communication even though he’s “only” a local resident.
He will tell himself this evening is bigger than just him and his need to defend himself personally. He will remind himself that, for this evening, he is above the natural defensiveness that he might normally exhibit. He will be triggerless for the two or three hours of this meeting, impervious to low comments meant to derail him. Tomorrow he can rant at someone if he needs to, but not tonight.
Learn, unlearn, learn differently, practice
Managing our conflicts at home, in our neighborhoods, at work, and in our various organizations is a matter of conscious work. I am a professor in this stuff and I need daily self-reminders.
I mean, I grew up playing hockey in Minnesota and my Dad, who skated for the University of Minnesota and then played semi-pro hockey, told me, “Keep your elbows up and fight dirty in the corners.” When I am in conflict, despite my decades of learning better, I need to work on my approach, forgive myself for stumbles, and congratulate myself when I overcome my natural pugnacious urges.
If civil discourse and its strategic benefits can work for someone as flawed as I am, it can work for anyone. Our society needs far more of this in our combative, polarized environment full of culture wars, identity slurs, and routine condemnation. We can do so much better.
Dr. Tom H. Hastings is Coördinator of Conflict Resolution BA/BS degree programs and certificates at Portland State University.
