By Steve Klinger
(Satire)
President Donald Trump pulled out a hangun at the National Prayer Breakfast this morning and shot Utah Sen. Mitt Romney, fatally wounding him. A day earlier, Romney had become the first senator in history to vote to convict a president of his own party in an impeachment trial.
After the shooting law professor Alan Dershowitz persuaded federal marshals at the event not to apprehend Trump. “He believes it’s in the nation’s interest,” Dershowitz shouted. “The president cannot be charged or prosecuted.”
Trump began his appearance by grinning broadly and waving newspapers with headlines declaring “Trump Acquitted” before the crowd of elected officials and religious leaders at the event. He followed speakers who had urged everyone to forgive their enemies, but Trump said, “I’m not sure I agree with you,” before producing the gun from his suit jacket and aiming it at Romney.
South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham defended Trump after the shooting. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Romney was an agent of the Democrats,” he charged. “The president’s enemies will stop at nothing to keep him from being re-elected.”
Back at the White House, Trump tweeted, “Lots of people are saying Treacherous Mitt conspired to throw the 2012 election to Barack HUSSEIN Obama! What I did was perfect. Now Total Exoneration!”
Democrats quickly huddled to consider new articles of impeachment, but House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, fighting back tears, conceded, “We’re not finding anything in the Constitution that states premeditated murder is a direct cause for impeachment. We already know how the Senate feels about ‘high crimes and misdemeanors.’”
Authors and presidential scholars Jon Meacham and Michael Bechsloff agreed in a joint statement declaring the situation unprecedented: “These are extraordinary circumstances. We have never seen anything like this before in the behavior of a president of the United States.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tried to evade reporters requesting a reaction, but when cornered in an elevator, he shrugged and said, “In the immortal words of Dick Cheney, ‘So?’”
