Parents of trans children say caring for their kids meant preparing financially, mentally, and emotionally. Here’s what they did.
While many parents expect their children to discover their true gender expression after adulthood, research studies show that a child’s relationship with their gender often starts much sooner. This may catch parents off guard. They may be ill-prepared for the emotional, medical, and financial needs of their growing child. Luckily, validating their sense of self is free. But parents of trans children say that it is harder than most people think to create an affirming and safe environment for their kids. After all, the assumed gender binary touches everything from schools to sports teams to medical care.
Parents keen to support their child’s transition may have to start by learning a whole new vocabulary, especially the difference between sex, gender, and sexuality. Further, they’ve got to define what support and care look like for their child at every life stage—from tots through teens. To complicate matters, parents often feel that they have to go through this journey discretely, for fear of outing their children. Thankfully, other parents can be a lifeline to share tips, avoid pitfalls, and recommend resources for the whole family.
Kindred by Parents spoke to mothers of trans kids to learn from their best advice.
Validate Your Child’s Verbal and Non-Verbal Messages
Jeanette Woodson says her child was not yet four years old when they began expressing a gender other than what they were assigned at birth. “This began by pretending their hair was different than it actually was. They wore things to represent different hair styles and told us that their hair represented the opposite gender from what they were assigned at birth,” she explains. “It took us about a year or a year and a half to figure out that this kid wasn’t kidding.” The persistent and consistent expression let her and her husband know that their child was transgender, even before their child had the vocabulary to say as much.
While it might be a parent’s natural inclination to initially redirect a young child to their birth gender, if a child insists over time, it is important to believe them. The parental FAQs on the Transfamilies website break down some early doubts parents might relay, like expecting this will just be a phase or confusing gender expression with sexual preferences.
The standard “watchful waiting” tactic of ignoring the child’s attempts to communicate their identity can feel to kids like sharp rejection from the people they love most. Instead, listen, support, and affirm.
If your child is old enough to read and write, learn together by meeting other kids who experience the same thing. If your child isn’t fully verbal or literate, lead story time with age-appropriate books and model positive expressions. Most importantly, let them know that you love them—no matter what.
Do Your Own Research
“Our child, assigned female at birth, started talking about wanting to be a boy at 6, then decided he was non-binary, and right around his 8th birthday decided to use he/him pronouns,” says Sara Madera of PlanCreatively. By this time, Madera and her husband had lived abroad for over a decade. “When our child came out, we were living in Mexico. And while the school was supportive of our child, they were not supportive of using another name or pronouns, and a teacher who tried to affirm our child’s choices lost her job.” This put the family in research mode. Finding a therapist for her kids proved difficult and the family ultimately decided it best to relocate to the U.S., but they had to figure out where.
“After our experience in Mexico, we realized that [our child’s gender expression journey] needed to become the priority and it shifted where we were looking to live in the U.S. (or Mexico)… We researched states with gender-affirming care, then looked at the voting records of specific towns. We decided on the New York City area, and we found a commuter town in New Jersey that is progressive and supportive,” she relays. And even with that transition, there’s much more to learn. They researched schools, medical care providers, and even a parental support group in their area. Parents on this journey should expect learning to be a life-long commitment.
“Parents have to wade through tons of mis- and disinformation, and perhaps their own fears,” Woodson says. Yet, parents have to stay one step ahead. After all, advocating for their child’s needs requires being educated about the options. Woodson and Madera say that online and in-person support groups have been a great way to learn as your child ages.
Also, parents of kids of color may find that a lot of the existing research isn’t geared toward BIPOC or intersectional children. For example, in a recent study on the low likelihood of retransition, only 2% of the participants identified as Black—although parity with the U.S. population would be 12%. Hence, parents of trans kids of color may have to search harder to find trusted data that resonates with their experience or needs.
Jodie Patterson’s book The Bold World is a good place for proud parents to start exploring the intersectionality of race and gender. Similarly, the National Queer Asian Pacific Islander Alliance, the League of United Latin American Citizens, the Black Trans Advocacy Coalition, and We R Native can be resources to look for culturally-specific support that is also available in a variety of languages.
Budget for the Unexpected
For most parents, it is more important to consider the most immediate costs for young children. Madera and Woodson both say that it starts small with a wardrobe change. Hand-me-downs and affordable basics can help. But the second expense to expect is therapy, not just for the child, but for the whole family. In Madera’s case, each session is around $175 and is covered under out-of-network benefits up to around 70%. Weekly sessions at $50 per session add up over the years, and any lapse in insurance can leave a family in a lurch. It’s best to save for mental health support expenses that may not be covered by insurance.
In 2019, a study in TransGend Health researched 36 different health insurance plans for their coverage of commonly recommended gender-affirming healthcare treatment for transgender youth. The findings were concerning.
Many insurance plans have transgender exclusions that make it hard to access or afford the commonly recommended treatments: mental health counseling, puberty blockers, hormone therapy, and masculinizing chest surgery. Thirty-eight percent of plans had unclear information about whether services were covered. Parents must invest the time to research their current health insurance coverage to see if it meets their kid’s needs, and to get a handle on how much the out-of-pocket costs will be.
As for hormone replacement therapy and puberty blockers, Madera and Woodson both say they’ve just started along that journey. The exact out-of-pocket costs are hard to calculate, but the cost before insurance is said to range between around $4,000 to upwards of $90,000.
When considering transition-related expenses, most people automatically jump to the cost of gender reassignment surgeries, which start around $10,000 but can total well above that. Most reassignment surgeries are only approved for patients older than age 18 but, since children can stay on their parents’ health insurance until age 26, it is possible that this bill (or some parts of it) will be paid by them.
There are non-medical-related expenses to consider, too. The Woodsons filed for a new U.S. passport ($100) with a changed gender marker. Changing a child’s legal name or sex designation on their birth certificate or driver’s license can cost a few hundred dollars, as well as the time it takes to go through the administrative process or to get a court order. LGBTMap helps explain the requisites for each state; currently, five states do not allow gender marker amendments to birth certificates.
Last, the Maderas admit that part of their decision to relocate was to find a more supportive community for their child. While the move came at a modest cost, they chose to settle in an area that was more expensive than they would have preferred. “We were looking to live in a cheaper area, but those tend to be more mixed politically, and we knew that wouldn’t be an option for us… It’s expensive to live in this area, but we are grateful to have the support we need,” Madera says. Thankfully, she and her husband have jobs that allow them to work from anywhere.
Put On Your Own Mask
If reading all of this sounds overwhelming, imagine what it feels like to live it—with a job, other kids, and lots of systemic challenges to hurdle each day. It is easy to neglect your own needs or routines in pursuit of perfect parenting. Instead, parents would be wise to pace themselves and engage in regular self-care to recalibrate.
“We did find a camp for our kid to go to in the summers, and those families are very supportive to us, our kid, and their cisgender sibling,” says Woodson. Madera echoes the importance of finding a supportive parenting community. She calls her monthly parenting meetings a “lifeline.”
Whether it is sports, art therapy, parent groups, or digital detoxes, parents have to preserve their own sanity and joy in order to model the best for their kids. Take it one day at a time and leave space for gratitude. After all, raising a happy, responsible, and intelligent adolescent is rewarding, but hard work—nonetheless.
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